eternal darkness in a sunshine mind......?hope not...

I am feeling miserable today.Its one of those days when you dont want to wake up,when you feel there is nothing to look forward to.In fact that is my complaint about life at present.There is something missing,and I am still searching in vain for it.When I was in school,I always dreamed about a future,I worked for it and got it.When I was in college,I dreamed again,but the future then didnt seem to matter so much,for when the present is so joyous, who cares about the future anyway.But I nevertheless had a vison for myself,and now here I am,this is my today that I had wanted,but somehow there isnt the same charm about it now as it was then.How fun it was then dreaming together, about tommorow,about Ivy league universities and about the rosy life ahead.
I think,I brood,about myself,about my attitude to life and end up thinking in circles.I find no answers.Why am I disillusioned with life so far?Is it because I dream no dreams about tommorow now?Maybe.For, now I have to redefine what I want from my future.When you actually come to a place you have visualised all along,suddenly you feel afraid,for you dont know where to go next.
I am least interested in my assignment on Fluid mechanics.Was this the same subject that drove me on the last 4 yrs?
I do recognise however that what I feel is not simply because of where I am.Probably if I had joined work in India too I might have felt the same.I see people around me who are happy simply because they are here,and I dont identify with them.How easy it would be to slip into the mode of looking towards friday the whole week and then partying,and staying intoxicated the weekend,and repeat the thing again.Apparently that is "fun",whatever it means.But I have promised myself that I wont descend into that mode of life,and I will keep seeking that elusive "thing" which made me what I was,and which has been behind everything that I did so far.
Then yesterday I got a forward from someone titled "Being a twenty-something", apparently written by the author and musician Leonard Cohen.I could identify immediately with it and I cant help but quote some lines which I think are the crux of the problem.
"It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing
that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may
not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a
year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are
now.
You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone
and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and
cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is
drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay
where you are or move forward."
Maybe thats the reason,I thought.I am being held to ransom by a past thats gone into the sunset and by a future that I am afraid of.And I see some changes too.
I think I have stopped seeing the lighter side of life these past few months.From being with friends who knew me for raunchy remarks for everything and who laughed for hours like madmen everyday,maybe thats what I am missing.Humour.
I just wish that I would laugh till I cry,as I used to.Or cry myself hoarse hurling abuses at our teachers as I used to.Or feel the blood pound in my head,sweat pour down my arms,and feel the excruciating pain in the shoulders,leaden legs and thighs trying to bowl as fast as I can.Maybe thats what I need.Exercise.I remember how me and Pawan used to take out all our frustrations of Jayaram amd mechatronics,at the TT table.Its time I try that then.
Or maybe I miss the fire in the belly that used to come from being in a tough spot,of the fear of God that some exams could put in you.
All it needs for me is just some spark of life to ignite the charm again.Maybe one of these days I will just wake up and find what I am looking for.Or maybe a nice royal,old fashioned screw in some exam soon will rekindle the stomach for a fight again.
I am surely beggining to sound maniacal.I wonder are there other people who feel this way,or felt this way?And the thought just entered my head,should I publish this?What would people think...but I think I feel better after writing already, and Iam beyond caring...and anyway as they say the people who matter dont mind and the people who mind dont matter.
I am off now,to the library,to see a movie,and improve my mood.