I am near New York City.
Today is my birthday.
And if you think that alone is enough to have a blast, you are as wrong as wrong could be.For am alone, feeling desolate and empty.
Nobody around to talk to even. Solitude today has driven me mad. And its nobody's fault, not even mine.
I thought I would go alone to a museum. But that doesnt appeal to me. There are 2 Tamil movies that I could watch.But that doesnt sound good either. So here am, still sitting -the bus has gone even as I speak. This has surely been my worst birthday ever- forgotten by people around and best forgotten by my own self.
How frail the mind of man, and how potent the curse of solitude!!I find it so stifling, to listen to the reverberations of my own thoughts jangling in disharmony.Perhaps its time I learn to live with myself. To accept that times like this are here to stay.
And yet another year ticks by my life.I turn 25..I find it amusing to think of class 6 history lessons.Of Aryans and their life expectancy of a 100 years. Of the first 25 years of life known as Brahmacharya. Never mind that I have been a far from ideal brahmachari (except in the things which matter, that is :-) I find it amazing that the feelings on the age scale are so logarithmic. Turning 25 feels so different from turning 20. I was excited about 20, because it meant more freedom but as you inch along you dont feel so good about 25. I think its because you realise that the course of your life is well set and there is no more a bewildering array of possibilities or wonder about the future anymore. There can be minor changes but you cant really surprise yourself, can you, a few years from now? That way there is a sort of helplessness about it now whereas at 20 you felt you could do anything and you were the master of your fate. And yet, how many times in the past have I found myself saying: "If only time would pass by, and I could be transported into the future, when the uncertainties have blown over and things have settled.."
Such are the foibles of the mind and the heart. I want my tomorrow today and tomorrow I will want my yesterday.
I believe I am not unique in my feelings. Perhaps there are others like me who feel the way I do,a vague discontent with life for no discernible reason.
Despite my depressing mood, I must thank all friends of mine who went out of their way for me.In particular, Pawan and Malavika- you are killing me with curiosity, and Preethadi - I am really touched by your invitation.Thank you so much for making me feel wanted.
As I see the numbers on the wheel of life spinning by,I wish for myself and my friends that our lives transcend the mundane and become meaningful and extraordinary.
4 comments:
The ignominy of being forgotten.. well.. hits you hard, doesn't it?
No matter what I do or what I try to say, I shall be as apologetic as ever..
dude, i made u feel better on this day, i chatted with u for like twenty mins, just checking out how u could feel better..and u forgot me? how on earth can u do this!
Solitude-if imposed and not by one's own wish can make a person very very disappointed and lonely. Belated happy birthday. I see you wrote the blog on your birthday..born on the cusp..I can recognize a few fellow Taurean traits..
NR
Well I finally read your blog, almost as the clock chimes the month. I am really sorry that you had to spend your birthday like this. But isn't it curious, that I spent my 25th birthday exactly with the same feelings of isolation and being forgotten. It makes me think if people born on the same day are really entwined by an invisible fate. Be assured , you will never hit these doldrums again bcoz this was the low point. Now it can only be uphill right ? I am wondering if I am making sense. :)
And I would love to have you here if only to show you around and boast about this city :).
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