The clock chimes the hour....

I am near New York City.
Today is my birthday.
And if you think that alone is enough to have a blast, you are as wrong as wrong could be.For am alone, feeling desolate and empty.
Nobody around to talk to even. Solitude today has driven me mad. And its nobody's fault, not even mine.
I thought I would go alone to a museum. But that doesnt appeal to me. There are 2 Tamil movies that I could watch.But that doesnt sound good either. So here am, still sitting -the bus has gone even as I speak. This has surely been my worst birthday ever- forgotten by people around and best forgotten by my own self.
How frail the mind of man, and how potent the curse of solitude!!I find it so stifling, to listen to the reverberations of my own thoughts jangling in disharmony.Perhaps its time I learn to live with myself. To accept that times like this are here to stay.
And yet another year ticks by my life.I turn 25..I find it amusing to think of class 6 history lessons.Of Aryans and their life expectancy of a 100 years. Of the first 25 years of life known as Brahmacharya. Never mind that I have been a far from ideal brahmachari (except in the things which matter, that is :-) I find it amazing that the feelings on the age scale are so logarithmic. Turning 25 feels so different from turning 20. I was excited about 20, because it meant more freedom but as you inch along you dont feel so good about 25. I think its because you realise that the course of your life is well set and there is no more a bewildering array of possibilities or wonder about the future anymore. There can be minor changes but you cant really surprise yourself, can you, a few years from now? That way there is a sort of helplessness about it now whereas at 20 you felt you could do anything and you were the master of your fate. And yet, how many times in the past have I found myself saying: "If only time would pass by, and I could be transported into the future, when the uncertainties have blown over and things have settled.."
Such are the foibles of the mind and the heart. I want my tomorrow today and tomorrow I will want my yesterday.
I believe I am not unique in my feelings. Perhaps there are others like me who feel the way I do,a vague discontent with life for no discernible reason.
Despite my depressing mood, I must thank all friends of mine who went out of their way for me.In particular, Pawan and Malavika- you are killing me with curiosity, and Preethadi - I am really touched by your invitation.Thank you so much for making me feel wanted.
As I see the numbers on the wheel of life spinning by,I wish for myself and my friends that our lives transcend the mundane and become meaningful and extraordinary.

I wish......

I wish I could

Go and eat in the familiar old mess again,bad food eaten with great friends, and never mind the taste!

Skip breakfast and have 2 vadas and a tea at 10.10 in the Snacky...

I could go to the Pearl Coffee shop at night , eat biscuits and feed the styrofoam cups to the cows again.

Order a glass of papaya juice for Rs. 6.00 at the Juicy, and laze around one hot afternoon after class,while quibbling with Pawan or Pattu or Vicky over who will pay..

I could be awakened by the sounds of Gyani's speaker blaring out Marilyn Manson's "This is the new shit"..

I could feel the wind in my face as I pedal uphill from the Bank to Octa...

I could get wet in the rain on Topaz terrace again,without a thought for tomorrow...

It took me several hours to walk through the corridor to my room again,talking to people on the way...

Go to Tabs or Meridian and eat like there is no tomorrow...

Never go single on a bicycle again....

Sit in class and sleep with my head lolling,oblivious to the teacher watching...

Play an extravagant backhand slice on the TT board again, the night before a semester exam...

Smell the stink of clothes soaked too long in the detergent...

Turn my room inside out after someone mistook a lizard for a scorpion...

See "all kinds" of movies with 10 people in a room,and bend double laughing at the comments...

Sit on the slab outside my room reflecting and dreaming about the wonderful life ahead...

Feel the Coke burn my eyes, the egg yolk running down my hair and the stinging kicks on wet denim, awarded for an 'achievement'...

Spend hours on the game of one upmanship with Pawan-creating absolute groaner puns...

Talk endlessly with Pawan and Pattu about the woman of my dreams who will bowl me over...

These are those small things that I wish for, the simple pleasures of life which I never thought twice about. A chance conversation with Vicky brought it all out. Its nearing a year since hostel life ended, so my mind inevitably keeps going back and thinking-What was I doing this day last year. I shall write one more post in May on the year that was and on so much that has happened since.

When the boot is on the other foot....

Last week I saw "The Party", a 1968 Peter Sellers comedy.Sellers plays an Indian called Hrundy Bakshi, a film extra who is invited by mistake to a big Hollywood party instead of being fired. Sellers looks incredibly Indian and speaks with a very convincing accent too.
I sat in horror for the first half an hour, feeling completely outraged by what was happening onscreen. It was a horrible caricature of Indians in general and I felt it particularly distasteful.
In fact I think a movie like that wouldnt get away scot free today, without charges of racism surfacing.
And one of my good freinds here pointed out that Hindi movies are no different. And I agree with her.I have lost count of the number of times I have seen Tamilians(South Indians) being stereotyped in a highly ridiculous manner( esp the Late Mahmood).And nobody talks like that !!!
Of course having lived in a hostel with people from all over India,I do know none is spared-Bongs,Mallus,Punjabis,Biharis,Gultis et al-you name it!!
But I never found that as offensive or irritating, perhaps because they are Indians too (and also because everyone gives as good as they get!:-)
Maybe its my ego being hurt at the slight from a foriegner.Or I have become more sensitive about these issues after leaving India.
Infact that reminds me of another thing-the vision that people here have about India being an 'exotic' land of snake charmers and the like.And one of the professors actually told my room mate some drivel about Calcutta being a city with lots of snake charmers!!Now thats new!!
The general knowledge in this part of the world is practically non existent-but wait- I wont start on that now-lets save that for later.
When I went to the local Mall here I saw an "Indian shop".It sold things like wooden snakes and, hold your breath, "Hemchampa Agarbathee" and the humble old "Mooda"(now extinct bamboo stools:-)Well, thats the vision that they have of India!!
Coming back to what I was saying, whatever the reason, I do realise now that its not much fun when you are at the wrong end of the joke. I must be honest enough to admit that I would never have thought so much had the lead character been of some other nationality.
In retrospect I am glad that I saw that movie. Sometimes you need to be on the other side to get a better perspective.
It has made sure that next time I start a joke about that Sardarji, I will think twice.
(As an after thought,I must say Sellers is a brilliant actor)

Read for yourself

It makes me feel sick, but being a man I suppose I have to face up too-to the realities that abound. I find it shameful that not passing lewd comments, or misbehaving with women in public, is by itself now a virtue.
http://www.anniezaidi.com/2006/03/streets-stories-strategies.html
No more words,they dont help at all.

One sunny winter day...

Well,..I am back...after almost a 5 month hiatus.In the interlude,I was pleasantly surprised by comments, complaints and attention the blog received from some of my regular readers.Infact I realised then that I have readers-who dont just stumble into it, like stones on a road but actually visit the site.
Ask me not why I didnt blog so long.Its certainly not for lack of things to say-in fact there is so much I dont know where to begin.But sloth-one of the sins of man-can certainly take the blame.
When I read my last post again,it certainly shows me the state of mind I was in.But that didnt prevail for long.As I had predicted,within days of writing that, a nice royal old fashioned screw in an exam cleared all the cobwebs of my mind .
What followed thereafter can only be described as an exercise in academic orgy-assignments followed relentlessly,mid terms beckoned with ominous notes,and the finals had started casting their shadows too.To quote Darwin, it was indeed the best of times and the worst of times.However I liked it, for finally I was busy again ,and moreover I had started getting the feeling that involuntarily at least, I was beginning to learn things.
My efforts bore fruit.Long due academic success did come to me, and savour it I did and now hope to continue that. I also had a great holiday,which ended all too early,in retrospect.The fag end of the holidays were some of the most dreariest days ever, spent in a ghost town.
It was almost idyllic.Things were all going as I had dreamed.
And then I learnt some valuable lessons as life just jerked the rug from under my feet. One of the most trite phrases in cricket-"Its never over till the fat lady sings"-came alive before me and I got a crash course on reality.Brings to mind one more proverb-"many a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip".I can tell you that when the cup shatters in mid air and you are left gulping empty space instead of its contents, its not pretty.You go through the wonderful spectrum of emotions.Disbelief,anger,hate,frustration and finally acceptance.And when you finally accept,that is when you pick up the pieces and crudely make another cup ,glad for the fact that at least you can still have some tea even if not a cup full.
I would like to think that I have come out wiser from all that, and as always, I still hold onto the steadfast belief that what I deserve I will get,sooner or later.
I have intentionally written everything in a metaphoric way,for what means so much to me,may with reason ,be viewed by others as a trifle.After all each to his own!
Well now my life is a little empty again, not much work to do, and thats the reason why I turn to writing again.Let me see how the next few months turn out.
Finally,before signing off-something that I noticed just now myself.I have titled this post "one sunny winter day", and then gone off on a tangent.
Well, mercurial indeed.

eternal darkness in a sunshine mind......?hope not...

I am feeling miserable today.Its one of those days when you dont want to wake up,when you feel there is nothing to look forward to.In fact that is my complaint about life at present.There is something missing,and I am still searching in vain for it.When I was in school,I always dreamed about a future,I worked for it and got it.When I was in college,I dreamed again,but the future then didnt seem to matter so much,for when the present is so joyous, who cares about the future anyway.But I nevertheless had a vison for myself,and now here I am,this is my today that I had wanted,but somehow there isnt the same charm about it now as it was then.How fun it was then dreaming together, about tommorow,about Ivy league universities and about the rosy life ahead.
I think,I brood,about myself,about my attitude to life and end up thinking in circles.I find no answers.Why am I disillusioned with life so far?Is it because I dream no dreams about tommorow now?Maybe.For, now I have to redefine what I want from my future.When you actually come to a place you have visualised all along,suddenly you feel afraid,for you dont know where to go next.
I am least interested in my assignment on Fluid mechanics.Was this the same subject that drove me on the last 4 yrs?
I do recognise however that what I feel is not simply because of where I am.Probably if I had joined work in India too I might have felt the same.I see people around me who are happy simply because they are here,and I dont identify with them.How easy it would be to slip into the mode of looking towards friday the whole week and then partying,and staying intoxicated the weekend,and repeat the thing again.Apparently that is "fun",whatever it means.But I have promised myself that I wont descend into that mode of life,and I will keep seeking that elusive "thing" which made me what I was,and which has been behind everything that I did so far.
Then yesterday I got a forward from someone titled "Being a twenty-something", apparently written by the author and musician Leonard Cohen.I could identify immediately with it and I cant help but quote some lines which I think are the crux of the problem.
"It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing
that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may
not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a
year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are
now.
You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone
and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and
cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is
drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay
where you are or move forward."
Maybe thats the reason,I thought.I am being held to ransom by a past thats gone into the sunset and by a future that I am afraid of.And I see some changes too.
I think I have stopped seeing the lighter side of life these past few months.From being with friends who knew me for raunchy remarks for everything and who laughed for hours like madmen everyday,maybe thats what I am missing.Humour.
I just wish that I would laugh till I cry,as I used to.Or cry myself hoarse hurling abuses at our teachers as I used to.Or feel the blood pound in my head,sweat pour down my arms,and feel the excruciating pain in the shoulders,leaden legs and thighs trying to bowl as fast as I can.Maybe thats what I need.Exercise.I remember how me and Pawan used to take out all our frustrations of Jayaram amd mechatronics,at the TT table.Its time I try that then.
Or maybe I miss the fire in the belly that used to come from being in a tough spot,of the fear of God that some exams could put in you.
All it needs for me is just some spark of life to ignite the charm again.Maybe one of these days I will just wake up and find what I am looking for.Or maybe a nice royal,old fashioned screw in some exam soon will rekindle the stomach for a fight again.
I am surely beggining to sound maniacal.I wonder are there other people who feel this way,or felt this way?And the thought just entered my head,should I publish this?What would people think...but I think I feel better after writing already, and Iam beyond caring...and anyway as they say the people who matter dont mind and the people who mind dont matter.
I am off now,to the library,to see a movie,and improve my mood.

Enigmatic entropy

Have you ever heard the song "Return to innocence" by Enigma.I just love that song,for the eerie feeling of earthiness or ..I cant find the word...of the primeval..... that it brings,its lyrics,and most of all its theme.Have you seen the video of that song?Its the most creative video that I have ever seen.Now think of this.What is it that relates that song to thermodynamics and engines.I wanted to set this question in my Technical Quiz at Pragyan this year but I was scared off by others who said it was too random:) and too much like me:0,whatever that meant:)
Coming back to the question.Its a haunting video,which starts with an old man eating a poisoned fruit and dying.Thereafter it goes backward,with the fruit going back to the tree,the tree growing smaller,the man growing younger.Lots of other things-bread turning to wheat,a newly married couple with the wedding played backward,a notebook full of writing being "unwritten",all with glimpses of a Unicorn running backward all the while.It reminds me of what I read somewhere,that if we live life backward,it would end in an orgasm:)That sure is something to think about isnt it?:)(of course the video doesnt go as far back as that:))
The relation with thermodynamics is entropy-the dreaded term ..described loosely as the Second law of Thermodynamics.Entropy precludes the concept of reversible time,giving what is often termed as the 'arrow of time'.That is what prevents things from happenning backward.That is why you cant turn rice into paddy or bread into wheat,that is why time goes as it does. So that was the connection-that it was a thermodynamically unfeasible video that violated the IInd Law:)And not a bad question at all,I still think[;)]
There is lots more to say on entropy,but first more on the song.There is a school of thought that since time goes backward in the song,to understand what it really means ,you have to play the song backward.Well, one night in Topaz when myself and Somu were twiddling our thumbs,we did just that using CoolEdit.It was a pattern of rhythmic unearthly white noise for the most part,except for a small interval of a few seconds when you hear the words"Hell is nice".Thats why it is known as a song to the Anti Christ,the rumour we were trying to confirm.That track of a few seconds is still saved in Somu's computer;)
Returning to entropy,it is often taken as a measure of chaos,that like chaos which can only increase ,and never decrease,so is entropy .I will never forget the marvellous words that the HOD used in 3rd semester (it seems like aeons ago..) when closing the chapter on the second law.He likened entropy to a manifestation of divinity,and gave a brialliant analogy to the spoken word.Each word when spoken goes into the universe,and increases its entropy.And words once spoken cannot be recalled.This was a precis of what he said.Perhaps that is the basis of the adage speech is silvern,silence is golden?
Entropy is a rather subtle thing to understand,and it takes many readings before you come to appreciate its beauty,if you ever do.In fact the whole of Thermodynamics is rather abstruse,an opinion that will find many takers I am sure.That was the reason I balked at taking an Advanced course in ThermoD here.
Recently one of the profs here told us something interesting that bears out what we students have always felt.He quoted from a book titled (ironically), something like, The chequered history of ThermoD:)Apparently one of the reasons it appears to be difficult was that unlike other sciences which grew from mathematicians,this was developed mostly by skilled experimenters.They had to invent their own mathematics to expalin their results which is evinced by all its idiosyncrasies and confusing definitions of property,exact and inexact differentials and so on.In short its filled with traps for the unwary and there is nothing called lucidity in any book:)This view seems quite correct to me.
It is probably the hardest subject to explain to the layman.But I finally found one way.
To end my rant which seems to have digressed quite far from Enigma:),here is a wisecrack on the 3 Laws,(of thermoD, what else?:)
You will be able to appreciate it all the more if you know ThermoD.:)
1st law- You cant win
2nd law- You cant even break even.
3rd law- You cant get out of the game.
Probably as witty as it gets.How I wish I had come up with that.!!!!!!